Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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