Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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