dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
