so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
