Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
