So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
