Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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