the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
