Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
