I'm going to jail i love you
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
