I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
