i jhust puked up my retainher.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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