Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
