The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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