There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
