If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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