After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
