Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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