It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Just high enough for therapy.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
