Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
