Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
