i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
