I'm laying in your front yard are you home
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
