Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
