Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
You ate ashes out of my bong
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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