I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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