I wanna bring you to show and tell
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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