I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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