I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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