Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Randomize
