can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
