I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
