my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
