just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
