Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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