Need sex. Gaining weight.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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