Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
