I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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