I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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