drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
bring money and cleavage
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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