He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
