you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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