Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
