i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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