Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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