I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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