somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
