i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
