I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
