Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
