If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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