i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
