They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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