Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
