ya dads aren't the best wingmen
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
