Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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