My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
