I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
