well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
