I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
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he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
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You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK