I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
did i just pee glitter
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...