I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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