I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
